REINVENTING YOUR EXIT

all i need to sustain my life at this point in time

2005-12-12T20:14:55Z

i LOVE this girl

it feels better to be missed then to miss

2005-10-25T01:24:34Z

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

i just thought i'd let you know...
i would call you every single day if i could,
but i can't

'cause i'm not allowed
__________________________remember that and remember me

i could go hours writing about you
but i learned that it doesn't do me any good

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

your gorgeous

2005-10-12T22:39:37Z

i dont know how you do it to me, but your face still brings me to tears.
it seems like it was yesterday when you and i lay side by side in my bed.
when you told me how much you love me and how there is no other girl that could replace my spot in your heart.
from all the bad, the good, and the life changing experiences that will never be forgotten this summer, and our Life, that i gave away, and the pain i still feel from doing that; all the physical, the mental, the emotional.
that whole period of time when i had no clue what to do with myself
to now... where i cant see you anymore for comfort, for support, for love, and for help, of our loss.
i cant do this on my own, moving past something that was ours, not just mine
i dont know how this picture could be anymore wrong.
i dont know if this even kills you inside
i cant pretend, and i cant hide, and if my words dont clearly state it, i love you.
there's no erasing whats been engraved on my heart.
i can fool the world, and maybe i can fool you as well, but certainly not myself
you make my heart race like no one else can, and your my other half.
life has been crazy since you havent been on my side.... i think the biggest mistake was letting you go, and the even bigger mistake was when i had my chance to be with you once more, and letting that one go as well.
the things i would do to just hold your body close to mine just one more time. to have your soft lips against mine and to listen to your voice in my ear.
...to have a conversation with you

impactx @ 2005-09-28T22:08:00

2005-09-29T05:10:00Z

a little less then two more hours and i'll be a seventeen year old miracle.
amazing.

Goodbye Waves and Driveways

2005-09-13T19:45:46Z

Just walk away
Gather your thoughts for the second length
Of this argument on this epic changing day
It's crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great
But we stand here both proud both wrong and right
Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight
And our lives are so intertwined in one
And were just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe
When I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That we can be so mad we consider to not exist
And we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

The goodbye waves in the driveway just resonate
And yes I’m throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
Trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here so impaired, but so aware

I sit in this house
Alone with fresh photographs
And I just can’t relax
My cigarette smoke, I’m starting to choke on this
Then half of my souls on the road in a car with a girl in a dress

See it’s making it hard for me to breathe
And I get all worked up with these feelings
And I don’t know exactly how it is
That just to say I’m right your wrong we both lose to win

The goodbye waves in the driveway just resonate
And yes I’m throwing it right back at her
While were drowning in rivers from our faces
We just wanna know if this, is this over
Trembling silence fills the air
As we stand here whoa-oh

So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid
Hey, maybe we're just being dumb
No, hey, maybe it's time that we stopped and we realize that like the flag in the wind we are one
How at first it’s made so cute and lovely
And the battle can be torn to shreds
And with time and with patience and love and affection
Can beat this with needle and thread
Because I love you and you love me
And nothing will make this leave
I said I love you and you love me
And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave
So remember me, yeah!
Remember me, yeah!
Remember me

Don’t walk away…

your company is more then appreciated

2005-09-13T01:07:35Z

Sitting quitly and pondering alone
with hopes of greatness and chances gone
wishing the future would give great things
but knowing exactly what it brings
nothing but disapointment and despair
more than anyone could possibly bear
a life empty of meaning and filled with regret
headed for a dead end course already set
a life of sweet dreams turn to nightmares
in a listless world so no one cares
abandoned i sit and stare at the sky
wondering why i dont give up and die
MJD

imsoinlovewithyoumjd

impactx @ 2005-08-19T02:38:00

2005-08-19T09:38:08Z

Nelson Mandella

i cant stop playing the scratched record

2005-05-12T22:56:30Z

i dont understand how i can do absolutely nothing and yet still without choice be involved all the time.
as much as i have heart, care, love, and concern for you people, at the the same time i cant help but feel sorry that i ever met you. honestly i couldnt tell you at this point if i thought this all was for the best or worse of me. ive been twisted and pulled so many times now it almost doesnt even phase me. im juss so irritated at the fact that its a never ending story. will any of this nonsense work itself out? will this soon be all over for the first time? all i can feel at this point is a drop of hope still left on my tongue. my heart still is racing. treading for the same warmth of "its now completely lost in the existence of our minds". please all be over soon so my heart may finally callus over its blisters of so long ago. break open my spirit and allow pure humility to pour out. sometimes i wish i was there or was able to see a glimpse of everything. not because i dont believe either of you, i just think it would settle the pinch of doubt and discomfort i still feel inside of me. at the same time.... i dont because i dont want my doubts to be proven and my heart to be shattered by the untruthful one. by all means i am not calling anyone of you liars, its just a hint of the mindset "see it and believe it". i know, no matter what you say, that you understand at some end of the extreme. i dont just have a choice 'A', but rather a choice 'A' or 'B'. i would chose both if at one point they meshed well and made sense, but the problem is the fact that they dont.

impactx @ 2005-04-27T10:55:00

2005-04-27T18:41:51Z

i can offically say my room is ~~95%~~ 96% completed.

its disheartening that you lack the character that your supposed to be.
to me and three other people. and now to three more new young faces.
i know you know that.... but what saddens me the most about it is the fact that u havent even taken the slightest step to change.
your efforts of connecting though on a phone line comes only once every two weeks... if im lucky. and your efforts of dropping by a visit comes merely, only once a month.
i stop and think to myself.... you.... only want to see me 12 times in one year?
am i a child still crying over something thats already been lost?
i must say for my own defense however, that i make effort to see you, to drop by and say hello--because i know you are just a little more then five miles from the house,
to call you to tell you i got my first job, or to tell you about my really good report card.
why do you lack the curiosity about what has been happening in my life?
do you forget about me, a sixteen year old teenager?
i cannot even express how bad it truly hurts to know that you forget my birthday every year. and you have only remembered recently because they share it with me. how bad its hurts when i cook you a thanksgiving dinner, and bring it to you... to only find you, past out, again
i almost feel that i have missed out on being young because of you. seriously.
i have chosen to spend being a teenager in the "never-existed bank" to cash out and become "bankrupt" trying to be a parent to something thats NEVER going to change.
each day i learn to except your existence and your way of life.... but that only shakes me momentarily from reality.

impactx @ 2005-03-31T14:45:00

2005-03-31T23:11:20Z

happy birthday cubero
143

so many things in life i still yet want to know
so many things i thought i would have figured out by now, but havent
ive been dreaming lately of the impossible
the scotch taping of every ripped piece of paper
and yet ive still had knowledge of junk in my head effecting my decisions
what am i to do in these situations
and for the rebound... i still get his fone calls once a week
then i deal with today and the struggles i face with the new guy
that are really not even worth it at all
the leash thats wrapped around my neck takes me to hell and back when im with the people who i want to be with most
i cant ever enjoy complete bliss in peace without the fone buzzing
go to sleep to him, wake up to him, leave for skewl to him, come home from skewl to him, leave for work to him, come hom from work to him, spend my whole spring break tied down to him---- i absolutely hate this life
no matter how many breathers i ask for, here is my first one since last time i updated
i asked to have personal space and to be able to hang out with my friends freely as i wish when i came into this
now im left with and unrespectful selfish insecure guy who wants all my time in fear of losing me to someone else
i can bet that he wont be losing me to someone else alrite.... he'll be losing me to being a control freak and never letting me be happy
and yet what i dont understand the most is that ive told him everything that i hate about him and he makes no effort to fix himself
i dont want to be with you ne longer
you have drained all ur luck and my care toward you
i have not been able to go to the beach once this whole spring break... i have not been able to hang out with any friends this whole spring break... and ne time i make the attempt to.. ur mad becuz ur not invited. too bad. dont u see the reality? the fact that im completely sick of you and that hanging out with my friends is an escape. do you now understand why i dont want you to be there??
maybe the way you are is what other girls look for in a relationship.... i only look for that to let myself know that i dont want to be in that relationship
i dont care how long we've been together at this point.... time doesnt matter
this is not at all what i was looking for in you

impactx @ 2005-02-19T11:26:00

2005-02-20T19:29:54Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!!

19

new stuff

2005-02-10T05:56:45Z

new highschool
new workout
new JOB!!!
new year!! (chinese that is)
new friends
new room mate
new goals
new life

is this a questionable doubt?

2005-01-18T23:39:46Z

so many mind written notes jotted in my head.
what are they for? do i dispose of them? because really, they are useless.

do you ever think that maybe..... if everything didnt happen the way it did...... that you two would have been friends? that maybe scratching the only thing that you have in common with eachother..... as far as we know..... a boy that drives the both of us over the edge...... could possibly nurture an undeveloped friendship. would if completely forgetting the past and starting over.... just meeting.... that we would get along and find more things in common? things that make us happy. would you give it a chance?

every night, something of the past keeps me awake in my bed..... memories.... thoughts..... ideas.... would if's....... and last night this was the thought that left me restless and full of wonder. unsure of what you would think... if i proposed the thought/idea/would if, of this nearly insane sounding jumble.
maybe it would be too complicated... not worth it at all... too much hassle.... dont stress, its just a thought.
its really quite funny to me that we both can talk and talk... write and write, so much about eachother but hardly ever have an actual conversation between one another. and what's the worst about it... is the fact that nearly all the information we know about eachother is only things we've heard from other people. and from time to time we'll have that one phone call that straightens out all the knots.

right now we feed off our curiosity of one another and of people we lack relation with. as much anger or frustration or maybe its the why cant we all just get along that might be inside....our curious behavior and attitude completely powers over any other emotions we capture.

its people like you, that makes us fall for the rock and roll

2005-01-14T09:25:17Z

WOW...

i still cant believe how amazing it is... that i get the oppurtunity to talk to the kewlest guys in the world.
yeah... EMERY
deven, your awesome!! words cant describe how thankful i am to know you. thanx for the guest pass... haha matt, thanx for trying to sneak us in.
long drive to SD but hey, its the things you gotta do to support people with a cause.
pomona comin up quickly... the 4th of march. ALL of you guys will be there this time!!!!!

the OMEGA blesses the faithful servants

halifax for all the halifans at the cobalt tomorrow.... be there cuz it will be a show that none can FATHOM!!! i kno i kno... the cobalt=suckness but u gotta love the best looking, best playing, best 21 century rock and roll band that has lived in this time yea?
7pm// be THERE and not at home watching a sports game... and not at school, watching a sports game lol.
directions in the click of a button... www.maps.yahoo.com ..... there ya go... no excuses... and guys, its really cheap. so dont be a lame penny pincher type.

e m e r y i s a l l f o r H i m

you are WEIRD

2005-01-08T22:58:21Z

LETS waste OUR time again TO try AND figure out THIS ONE

hint//becreative

see you at the peak!!!!

2005-01-07T08:45:31Z

sooooooooooo.....
tommorow i will be enjoying a lovely ride up to big bear.... hit the day session prolly for and hr or 2 then head off for the night session at summit for the rest of the evening!! all u boarders out there... im sure ill be seeing u!!!! and then ill enjoy a nice sleepy ride home!!!!! wow.. its been the the best snow at the base in years!!!! powder!!!!!! new tires and chains help make this ride at ease and more comforting.... tommorrow will be freaken great!!!!! and then sunday comes and the same game plan as before... unless the storm drives us out... and lets hope that it would be the worst case scenerio! other then that im hittin the sack for a nice refreshing sleep and a full day ahead of me tommorow!!

impactx @ 2005-01-03T04:17:00

2005-01-03T12:36:54Z

it was the first time i think ive hung out with her since i was in elementary skewl... the first time since weve conversed.
i find it a little odd seeing who she is to me but at the same time typical.
crazy night i tell ya... from his house to his house.. to HIS house... then to be caught in the act.
this had to have been the first time i had an actual meaning-worth dialogue that ended in smiles on both of our faces and no anger or irritation.
bipolar skies face you face to face with your fear
its an act
you wish
or maybe your living in a bubble of confusion because your life-line has made u gone mad
the lead got to my senses
the goosebumps brought a tingle on my spine and the sound kept me alarm and awake.
the seed in between my toes
the wrap soaked with water
it left me senseless
call me a mocking bird
hopefully i awaken to the same sound as this night before
the hills ever green and a 500 mile rainbow that stretches over the entire valley
i know im safe to walk outside
there is no one there to stop me and must i go alone i will
leave youe shoes on the front porch
have the pencil in your hand ready to be stretched for the language that pours from your strength.mind.body.soul
only 700,700,700 more miles to go
your time is a blink of an eye in HIS time
it will be over soon

rocking medias and slopes

2004-12-18T05:45:38Z

where must i begin___
--------------------------MEDIA
>>>>i went to ohio and did the shopping after thanxgiven thang and i was looking at toys for my two five year old nephews at toys r us... and then out of nowhere the news crew comes in and is filmin me and my sis carey!!! later that evening, there we were channel four
>>>>bought tix to the emery show as you know (chainreaction.anaheim)and andrew and i were in the front. mad crazy bands strutten their stuff and emery comes on to tell us that we're in for a treat. we were like ooooooook hmmmmmmmm. straight up, had the cameras going for emery's next music video "Disguising Mistakes With Goodbyes" they are such a sweet band and you should check em out, http://www.purevolume.com/Emery.
>>>>as we were leaving like 20 mins after they played, this fewl came chasing us down when we were like 30 yds away and was like "we totally love your energy and its people like you that make live videos so sweet!" at this point we have no idea whats going on. "are you guys gunna be here tomorrow for the second show because we totally want you guys to be in the video." and then we said "we dont ahve tixs for tomorrow and we actually tried exchanging but they are all sold out even at the door." and he says back "dont worry about it, you guys juss come back tomorrow, i'll get you in and you can hang out with us when were filming the stuff thats not live and you can get to kno the band and all the others that are playing. wear the same clothes so the video looks consistant. heres my perosnal cell number, call me and let me know if u cna make it." and were like NO WAY!!!!!!
>>>>as were going to his truck being all distracted by whats been going on, its 1130 pm and the truck was towed! along with like 25 other peeps that were at the show. had to wait an hr and 1 whole half for a ride.
>>>>next mornin andrew drove with his mom back to anaheim to pick it up for a $207.00 pretty penny, drove back to simi to pick me up and then back to the show. went out with the crew to dinner, they paid for us, hung out with the band, took pixs, got a drum stick, and a reserved spot in the music video!!! were getting a copy of the video when they are done editing it in a few weeks.
>>>> what ever tooth and nail chooses to do with the video (emerys record label)andrew and i got a copy. the director said most likely, for those who ahve myspace, there will be ads on the website, it will prolly air on MTV2 and FUSE, and agen if it comes out, u can check it out at launch.yahoo.com
>>>> u should also check out the film crews site and see the other music videos that they've done at www.generatorproductions.net
---------------------------------SLOPES
>>>> picked up my dual mtn pass to summit and big bear today as well as goin down runs from 9am till 3pm which was sooo sikkk and absolutely the best most carefree breath taking experience EVERY TIME!!!
the wonderful price i pay it waking up tomorrow and not being able to move because all my muscle has been completly torn apart and they are working away very hard at building more muscle!!! got some rosy red cheeks and right bout now im checking out to watch a super duper movie called pirates of the carribean.
-------------------------------------------THIS IS GOODNITE
143
ooxx
later gator
nite nite
have terrible dreams
and hope you wake up and remember that i wished those to you
and one last thing
i hope you get bit by every spider and mutant creature that lives in your house

impactx @ 2004-12-05T20:31:00

2004-12-06T04:42:24Z

ive become the person who hates people
who hates their presence
energy
excitement
and happiness
i guess your right, i dont have it
you can call me envious
weak
dependent
someone with no blood pumping through their heart
hate me back
im angry
i think everyone is mental
because it comforts my issues
ill never be the same
im fake
and im very good at pretending
s----t----o----m----a----c----h----t----h----i----s

impactx @ 2004-12-02T11:11:00

2004-12-02T19:38:29Z

im home?
well im home but i dont want this to be home
but what happened to that heart warming feeling of home?
i have it but its not here

i left my home in ohio on the 30th
arrived at LAX at about 9 pm to my mom and then i was surprised walking to baggage claim by my ANDREW!
spent the whole next day with him on his 17th birthday at DISNEYLAND!!!

sometimes you say these really weird things that you have going on through your mind
and then you realize later how retarded you feel now that you've said them
but its comforting to know that once youve said them, they dont haunt you day in and day out
its like you had to say it or else you would eat yourself alive, gross
but it really is a disgusting feeling to be obsessed with a thought or even posessed as scary as it might sound
but then u finally breathe because it left the cell

why is it always a competition with you?
why is it that you always have to be the victor?
why is it so much more important then everything else?
to be the winner? when there is nothing to be won?
why is it worth spending your time on when in fact its nothing but a desire for, down to the root, a negative pleasure?
your growing old with your nature
your dispicable old wives tales will catch up with you and there is no running away as u usually do
throw away the misery that if not careful will soon be with you forever
you have been spirtually blessed
dont waste your time on this race for nothing, make use of your blessing
im through

impactx @ 2004-11-21T15:59:00

2004-11-22T00:05:09Z

Today is very exciting. it will soon within one hour mark the time and date of my first tattoo. DOPE!

POST ][][ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

i thought i was dreaming a reality, but it was reality

2004-11-19T08:54:37Z

everyday passed, and he slipped my mind.
i thought it was the end of this
the after shocks of the heart break of my first love
love is what i can honestly say
no other word could have decribed it better
he meant the world to me
sometimes i day dream of this fantasy
that it remained in perfection
in my eyes at least
that we would be somewhere, maybe even his house
just laughing and eating pizza
or maybe i was listening to the vocal soundwaves of his soul spoken voice
i know the system was corrupted, and things happened that changed our lives
but the ongoing war of my insides still screams for him
and i sometimes wish so badly that i knew what he was thinking
if i was still ever one of those thoughts
maybe im living the past and maybe he's growing toward his future
i plead for his friendship and the joy that he brings to my nerves
but i dont have it
and every day i have this indescribable empty sorrow that some how fills my heart
not so empty i guess ... but the point is that
it was a slow leak that emptied itself from me
yet my body still has the addiction that craves for him
he has been on my mind oddly this WHOLE week.
and not just today because i saw him
but i have had these thoughts of him through my head for a time that feels like forever
i cant explain the urge and craving i have had
to pick up the fone and dial the number that flows off my fingertips
look... just please, if you read this, my first love, call me
if you would like, but dont if you cant go back there again
and i'll understand you better

impactx @ 2004-11-16T11:35:00

2004-11-16T19:44:43Z

november 19 [ ] dash rendar n deo valente;; santa clarita
november 23 [ ] andrew takes the stage at the rock
november 24 [ ] 6 am my plane leaves for ohio
november 30 [ ] 9 pm arrives home in LAX
december 1 [ ] the 3 rillera boys all are one year older, andrew turns 17
december 2 [ ] me without you at the chain reaction, anaheim
december 3 [ ] grease musical in long beach
december 8 [ ] emery and halifax at the chain reaction, anaheim
december 18 [ ] dad turns 54;; les miserables musical

I'm content with losing

2004-11-09T21:15:39Z

Like i said
Leave your baggage at the door
i'm leaving you the way i think it should be
we're always pulling into spaces that we can't back out of
starting fights we can't talk our way out of them
How does it feel to be on the receiving end of this one?
I'm half way there and it's all on me
this is what i get for wanting more
this is the way it has to be
dancing on all these changes
so i walk around with this rope in my hand
so i'll tie it around and around
i'll tie me down
i'll fantasize of being manic
and leaving us behind
in your eyes you were the one that tried
acceptance is what holds us here
and you my dear are the one i fear tonite
we'll try just one more time
this is the moment that we all live for
are you ready?
you think so loud it hurts my ears
i want to know how to get through this
without choking up
i can't feel you
you're so far from me

ANGEL BELOW underoath

2004-11-04T04:55:23Z

you took me over the edge
and left me there to fall by myself
the word love meant nothing to you
i was taken in with your eyes
and you knew i was too weak to leave
but you were wrong
you mean nothing to me now
every time you think of me
i hope you heart dies
i have found my true love
and you now burn beneath my feet
you'll pay for everything you've done
if you could die
i'd be the one with the gun
from this day on
i'll write the songs you hate
and pray the prayers that drive you away
it's time to let the world know how
you tried to ruin my life
up burn my thoughts of Him
the virus leaves me